Becoming entangled with a narcissist

People wonder how it is that we might become entangled with a narcissistic personality that is not only abusive but is hell-bent on destroying us. How could this possibly happen? I too was ignorant of how victims get caught up in abusive relationships. Until I learned.

“There must have been signs,” friends say.

“How could you have not known?” family asks.

“What was it about you that attracted this abusive individual into your life?” says your shrink.

The truth is, one of the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder is the narc’s ability to very effectively hide the monster within until it is time for him to begin his campaign of devaluation. This is known as the false face. In fact, the narcissist constructs an entirely false reality.

There are three phases of narcissistic abuse: Idolization, Devaluation, and Discard

Most, if not all, people who have been victimized by a narcissist will tell you about the magical start to their romance. While I’m referring to intimate partner violence in this essay, this fairy tale beginning is also noted in business and workplace relationships. We see it frequently in politics these days as well.

The beginning of the romance is unlike anything we’ve ever known before. We like art. He likes art. We like hiking. He likes hiking. You have so many common interests it’s like you’ve met your twin flame. The narc is charismatic, charming, and completely engaged in learning all about you. He presents himself as someone who is financially secure, professionally successful, and one who has many friends. This new wonderboy in our life is supportive of our hopes and dreams, and those of our friends as well. He seems sweet, and sincere, and sometimes quite vulnerable. He will also speak about the betrayals and trauma he experienced in his past, hoping you will believe the story of his victimization –– usually at the hands of a past lover.

This is what those of us in the narcissistic abuse recovery community call “love bombing”. It is the first phase of narcissistic abuse – idolization. It’s all about grooming you for a future of abuse. But first, there are flowers, gifts, and dinners out. Text messages are sent to our phone every morning wishing us a “good morning darling”. There are vacations and plans for the future. He’s sent a playlist of all our favorite songs and those which have now become “special love songs”. The narc’s target is in heaven and can’t believe her luck at finding someone so thoughtful and perfectly suited to her. This is a ruse.

During the idolization phase, what the narc is actually doing is mirroring our personality and learning everything possible so it can be used against us in the future when the devaluation portion of the program comes into play. He’s learning our vulnerabilities, our strengths, our successes, our family history. He’s learning what we love and what terrifies us. Yes, once we have been targeted by a narcissist, he is indeed very interested in everything that is us.

The narcissist does not do this simply to woo the target, although that is a very big part of the narc’s scheme. The narc is needy and void of any true personality of his own. The thrill of a new romance works for him as well … in terms of what is referred to as narcissistic supply. Like a vampire needing blood, the narc needs supply. Adoration. He needs to fill gaps in his own personality. All that attention and excitement of a new relationship is supplying the narc’s endless need for ego fulfillment. The narcissist is an attention addict.

The over-the-top romancing is also meant to entrap the victim so that later, during devaluation, the victim wants, and tries desperately, to rekindle that glorious early stage love affair. Devaluation usually happens very quickly (sometimes over dinner) and the victim is left with staggering confusion, believing that they are somehow to blame for their partners sudden change of heart. The devaluation stage is where the abuse lives.

Prior to devaluation, what the victim fails to see is that no matter how convincing the love bombing is, it isn’t love. The narcissist is not capable of love, or empathy, or compassion, or remorse. These characteristics are lost in the deep void of the narcissist’s damaged brain and so the narc studies others, learns how to replicate emotions, and leaches off the personalities of those closest to him.

There is a spectrum for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

H.G. Tudor, a self proclaimed malignant narcissist, classifies narcs into those who are the “lower”, the “midrange” and the “elite”. Tudor provided me with many an “ah-ha” moment. His mission is in weaponizing empaths who are usually the narc’s greatest and juiciest snack. The empath will always seek to fix or remedy their lover who seems to be in pain, and will always look for the good in others.

The spectrum for NPD spans a curve from those who are egotistical and display entitled self-importance to those who are malignant narcissists. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health) outlines nine traits of NPD. Psychcentral also has a good article on these nine traits.  Some at the higher end of the spectrum – the malignant narcissist – can be sadistic, and even sociopathic or psychopathic. Tudor’s classification concerns those narcs – the lower, midrange, and elite –– showing differences in the playbooks of behavior and self-awareness of their own exploitive manipulations. Even if you are dealing with a moderate narcissist, please know that this is a very dangerous individual.

NPD is a personality disorder. Think about that for a moment. It is a character disorder.

Because of the narcissist’s false face, it is unlikely that the psychiatric community will really learn the true nature and sadistic behaviors of NPD. A narc is never (unless forced by a court of law) going to seek therapy (there is nothing wrong with them, right?) and even if they do, that false face will reflect whatever the psychiatrist wants to see … or whatever the narc wants them to see. It is the victims of the narc who stand as experts. We are the ones who have lived with the narcissist and have seen and experienced first hand the crazy-making, destructive behavior of narcissistic personality disorder. We have been on the front-lines of verbal, psychological, physical, and emotional warfare.

And that is how we become entangled with a narcissistic personality. They are master manipulators, showman, and actors. But there are red flags. 

*While I refer to the narcissist in this essay as male, this is not to imply that narcissists can not be female or transgender.