Things I learned after two years of narcissistic abuse recovery

It was New Year’s Eve afternoon, two years ago, when I did the bravest thing I’ve ever done. I told my fiancé, “I’ve had enough”, called the police, and escaped four and a half years of narcissistic abuse.

Four and a half years. It seems like such a long time. Why did I stay so long? How did I get involved in that mess to begin with and what have I learned since about myself and others?

The point of escape from intimate partner violence is often the most dangerous and potentially deadly event of the entire relationship. According to NCADV, in the United States, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner with 94% of the victims of these murder suicides being female. Approximately 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence. 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship.

*These statistics might give some clues as to why women “simply” don’t just leave. There are exit strategies created by DV support experts that outline the best practices for planning escape. I can not emphasize enough the need to be considered and prepared. If you or someone you love is considering a exit, please review these strategies.

I had been well warned about the narcissistic rage, vengeance, and the violence that could ensue as I made my exit. I was alone and isolated in a foreign country and I was terrified to the point of being cold to my soul. But somehow I summoned all of what was left of my warrior powers, and with the help of the four officers that arrived that day, I walked out the door.

In 2017, friends and family helped me mark the first anniversary of that departure with a celebration – complete with chocolate cake and champagne. In 2018, I had many friends on social media help me overcome a few bumps in the road as my second anniversary date approached. Even at the time, in 2016, the symbolism of leaving on New Year’s Eve and beginning 2017 free from abuse was not lost on me. It seemed perfect and right, and it was, I knew, a point of no return.

Reflecting on all this while I write, I realize that I need to also look back to those four years of living in Sweden with a man who purposely and repeatedly sought to hurt me. Because it was there that I learned about the pathology of malignant narcissism, psychopathy, and Cluster B personality disorders. It was there when I saw firsthand the limitless cruelty of one of these toxic individuals. And, it was there that I learned the insidious nature of intimate partner violence which obliterates the identity, the reality, and self-worth of its victims.

All of these things are aspects of what a person recovering from narc abuse has to deal with … along with cPTSD, agoraphobia, hypervigilance, fear of strangers, lack of trust in self and in others … it’s quite a long list. I don’t think it is meant to be easy to recover from an encounter with a psychopath.

Here is what I’ve learned over the last two years as I struggled to recapture my identity. It is this learning, I think, that is the most important.

Eight Lessons

There is evil in the world, but also great kindness. It was stunning to see the amount of women who posted on social media during the #metoo movement. It seemed to me that every women I knew had written that hashtag on their timeline. But together women raised their voices and spoke out. There is solidarity in these types of moments despite the evil once experienced. I had never experienced abuse in my past. It was astounding to witness that covert evil in a human being, let alone live with it. As victims, or survivors, we tend to feel very isolated and alone. Speaking out lets us know that we are not alone. There are also simple acts of kindness that I’ve received from total strangers that reminded me that there are truly lovely people in the world. And it is the compassion and validation we receive from others which counters the extraordinary lack of compassion and gaslighting we received at the hands of our abusers. This provides a knowing. A balance.

Boundaries are required. This was the biggest and the hardest thing for me to understand. You can set boundaries for little children – don’t play in the street, don’t put your toy soldier in the electric outlet – but how do you set boundaries for a grown man? I finally got wise and figured out that boundaries aren’t for others. They are for you. Boundaries are self imposed rules as to how you will allow others to treat you. These boundaries are particularly important if you are dealing with a narcissist, or any toxic individual, but they are important for everyday living as well.

Do not make excuses for bad behavior. It was a bad day, a bad week, a bad year. I was always making excuses for his behavior. This was, in part, because during times of good behavior, he was so charming, caring, and charismatic that I questioned my own sanity. Now I know, there is never an excuse for bad behavior. Ever. Enact a zero tolerance policy on this and refer please to the above lesson on boundaries.

Sometimes you need to ask for help. You will be amazed at the people who wish to help. And you will be broken by those who walk away. But, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It is a humbling moment. In addition to friends and family, there are a number of domestic violence advocates available. For American women living abroad you can contact the American Women Overseas DV Crisis Center, now known as Pathways to Safety International. In the States, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

People may disappoint you but you don’t have to disappoint yourself. While you will be heartened at the people who wish to help, you will also be heartbroken by those who turn their backs on you. People do things. They have their own reasons for doing so. You, however, are your own best advocate and agent. Know your worth. Stand firm by your goals and values. As Michelle Obama said, “When they go low, you go high”. Again, refer to the lesson on boundaries above.

Walk toward and through your pain to heal it. Trauma and pain can not be brushed under the rug. Examine it. Take as long as you need to recover. If you do not take the time to deal with your grief, disbelief, trauma, and emotional foreboding … it will come back and cut you off at your knees – maybe not this month or this year, but it will come back to haunt you at some point in time. Who the hell needs that? This is why the time it takes to recover is so extremely important and can not to be rushed. Yes, it will be painful and it will suck, but look under every leaf and pull the darkness out into the light.

Writing and creative work is a balm. Gardening. writing, painting, coloring, craft work, and photography has saved my life on a number of occasions. I never used these things as a distraction – well, maybe a little bit – but as a form of soul renewal. I can’t explain what it is, but creative work acts to center, balance, and inform us in the most profound ways. It’s good to create something beautiful in the mist of great sadness.

Anger, resentment, and bitterness do nothing to promote better mental health. Two years ago, I did not know a lot, but I knew that I didn’t want to be one of those angry resentful people who can’t let go. I wanted to recover, and recovery does not include lingering resentments. Walking through my pain and sitting with it helped me to understand many things and it helped me to forgive myself.