So, you’ve been dating this new guy and think to yourself, this person is pretty wonderful. He seems really sweet, compassionate, and responsible. He dresses well and smells great. He’s supportive of everything you do, he likes many (if not all) the same hobbies you like, and the chemistry between the two of you is electric.
This is what we look for when dating. Personal characteristics, chemistry, and similar interests are things which clue us in that another person may be a potential new boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage partner. It all seems pretty straight forward––we like the person and so we keep dating them and see where the relationship goes.
But what if that potential partner is, in fact, trying to deceive you? What if that new girlfriend or boyfriend has a different agenda? What if they have an entirely different personality hidden beneath a mask of kindness and respectability?
Those with narcissistic personality disorder are incredible actors. I want to be clear that I am not writing about individuals with merely a big ego or people who have some narcissistic traits. We all have some narcissistic characteristics. I write here, and on this website, about those with narcissistic personality disorder as described by The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. And there are more of these predators out there then you’d imagine.
According to the largest study ever conducted on personality disorders (PD) by the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH), 5.9% of the U.S. population has BPD (Grant et al. 2008) and 6.2% has NPD (Stinson et al. 2008). As some people fit both diagnoses, about 10 percent of the U.S. population has BPD and/or NPD. (source: https://www.bpdcentral.com/faq/personality-disorders) Often individuals with Cluster B personality disorders can carry several markers for a constellation of overlapping traits––NPD, BPD, Antisocial personality disorder, sociopathy,
The narcissist constructs false personas, even false realities, in their attempt at roping in new unsuspecting victims. The role of the victim is to provide the narc with “narcissistic supply” –– a form of fulfillment, adoration, and later torment. These red flags are nearly textbook for narcs targeting you at the start of a relationship. Please beware.
- Your relationship develops at a heart-racing pace. Even after the first date, there will be messages the next day about how she misses you. Text messages first thing in the morning saying “Good morning Darling”. Messages before you go to sleep at night. There are claims of a spiritual connection. She says the two of you must be soul mates. She has never felt like this about anyone before. Intimacy comes quickly. Suddenly she has become a very bright light in your life.
- He tells you his ex was crazy. In fact, there have been a number of crazy people in his life who have betrayed him or abused him. His ex-girlfriend was bipolar. His boss is an asshole. He’s so sad and vulnerable that you feel sorry for him despite your intuition telling you something is amiss.
- He has usurped your social media profile. Oh yay, you guys are now friends on Facebook after the first date. He loves everything (and I mean everything) you have posted. As you continue to date, there appears a trail of places where the two of you have checked in, photos you’ve been tagged in, pictures of him together with your dog. There will be “kisses”, compliments, and even the friending of your friends. This lets everyone know that you are his. It seems flattering but it is invasive, controlling, and trespasses on your boundaries.
- She has somehow taken up every available minute of your life. Where once you were able to go home after work and relax or get together with friends there is no time for those things anymore. Even if you “absolutely must go” to Christmas dinner with your family, you can count on a flurry of texts from that gal while you are eating and opening gifts. If you don’t respond immediately, there will be many more texts asking what’s going on, are you ok? Eventually, there is no time for your hobbies, friends, family, education, or business goals … it’s all been taken over by her. You’re even talking about moving in together.
- She has blocked you from her social media. You had a fight over something. You really don’t know what it was about. It seemed to make no sense but suddenly you find you have been blocked by the love of your life and she hasn’t spoken to you in days. Chances are very high that she is stalking someone else (perhaps a new supply) and doesn’t want you to see … until she wants you to see. Guard your heart.
- He seems to have a lot of other people interested in him but rarely does he mention their names. It’s always “my friend at work”, “my friend in Mexico”, “my waitress friend”, “my gym buddy” etc. These are usually friends of the opposite sex but, oh, he NEEDS you. No one else has ever made him feel the way you do. None of these other people compare to you. This is the start of triangulation.
- He has two (or three) cell phones and lots of different email and social accounts. He tells you this is for business or fun. I’m telling you, run for your life. No more needs to be said.
- Pay attention to your gut. You will see hints when the mask falls. The narc will reveal himself. A show of temper, maybe even rage. A continuing trespass of your boundary or boundaries. The more comfortable the two of you get together, the more likely it will be that he’ll slip up. You’ll want to dismiss these transgressions, but pay attention.
Slow down. If this person is really interested in you, the real you, they won’t mind taking time to get to know you. The above outlines briefly the red flags which show up at the early stages of the relationship during love bombing. Read more about becoming entangled with a narcissist here.
